Ah lians.

I really dislike ah lians. What with the “madd chio”, “eiuus” and “sho eeyer”, they really represent what is wrong with teenagers in Singapore. Because of them, problems like teen pregnancy, teen smokers drinkers fuckers etc are branded on people like me. What people don’t realize that ah beng fights are instigated by ah lians.

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Say an ah lian called xiia0 chiios has a new ugly top from, say, Ice Lemon Tee. Then she swaggers around Ang Mo Kio Hub desperately trying to show she’s not desperate by showing her mosquito-stingesque cleavage.

Suddenly, another ah lian appears withe the SAME top. Xiiao chiios gets angry, and proceeds to give the other ah lian the evil eye. The other ah lian (obviously) will reciprocate withe the usual “see what see” and “knnbccbkfcmrtamktpy”. The next day, both ah lians will turn up under some HDB void deck with 3847 ah bengs in tow. Of course, none of them are there to fight. Perish that thought!; those dim-witted males are merely their “kors”,”diie diies”, “lao gong” or “stead”. Then you find that the police will be involved.

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Desmond dictionary is up. Visit it at desmonddictionary.wordpress.com.

Expect.

So I got A1 for a test. My mum says I should do better. I asked her why, and she shouted at me.

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Today I saw Edmond. He is the fella that bullied me from Primary 2 to 4. At the time, I was afraid if him because he was physically “perfect”. He had a muscular frame and a booming bass voice (compared to my faggoty soprano then). Many kids were terrified of him, and he was the king during recess.

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When I saw him today, I choked on my Double Cheese(+1)burger. Evan and Reuben, this is why I bit my tongue. Today, I am a full two heads taller than him, and I am 3 times his size. I’ll hazard a guess that my penis is approximately 40000 times larger as well. When the fucker saw me, his eyes opened wide and he squealed.

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I am not a religious person, but I have to thank God for small mercies.

Teliot

I haven’t updated in a looong time because I always feel obliged to do a long post. I think that I’ll try short daily(hopefully) updates from now on.

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I hate Singaporean public toilets. Don’t give me bullshit about how some people are still crapping behind bushes, I don’t care. Public toilets just piss (pun intended) me off.

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Say you just had a fabulous buffet dinner, and you want to freshen up before you leave the restaurant. After extracting gibberish from all the Chinese immigrant staff, you get the idea of where the toilet might be. Finally, after traversing through the Mexican border, you find an unmarked, flimsy plastic door with a pungent smell of ammonia. Sighing, you open the door. To your utmost horror, you find a swamp surrounding the equally grimy facilities. Cursing, you fight off the rare toiletius managerauntierius and make it to the crusty urinal. Because it is situated 0.2 cm above the ground, your pee splashes of the bottom and most of it ends up back on your legs and pants. Screaming in frustration, the managerauntierius chuckles as you wade over to the sink. Two of the three taps don’t work, and the Niagara Falls gushes out of the third. After rescuing your mangled hands, you force open the mysteriously locked door. You realize that your crotch is sopping wet, and the chiobu from the next table walks past you, giggling.

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Of course, none of this happened to me. Why would you think that?

Long Day.

Today I am tired. Because I spent 11 hours in school.

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So JP still wants to sleep with Tiger Woods. I can’t stop him, but I can make fun of him.

Anyway, today’s party was fail. A grand total of 4 parents turned up, and shit was spilled everywhere. Darth Vader and Shaak Ti made guest appearances, though. The food was good.

BLAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH.

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 Today I learned about rich bastards.

A rich bastard is usually a popular person in school. BUT his/her popularity stems from his/her endless suppy of cash and luxury items.

Privately,everyone hates a rich bastard , but they fawn over said bastard because of aforementioned items.

Do not offend a rich bastard, because said bastard can sue you and you will never win.

Rich bastards also have a way of getting things done their way.

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Ah.

Ok, so 2009 is ending in a few days. For me, 2009 was a great year, much better than 2008. Here are a few important things I acquired over the past 12 months.

1) A room.

Quite kickass. Previously I shared a room with my parents, and it wasn’t that great. If you’ve met my father before, you should know why.

2)An iPhone

The Sony Ericsson I got in 2007 was good, but after dropping it more times than my father farts in one minute… well you get the idea. I was promised the iPhone, so I got it. Simple.

3) Pubic hair.

No elaboration required.

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Aboout 3 weeks ago, my cousin Cheryl came to stay with me. Her parents had to go to Shanghai and she had passport problems, so my mother offered to let her stay with us.

Big mistake, mum.

So, she has been a right nuisance, screaming for whatever she wants. I’ve been so busy taking care of her whims I don’t even have time for myself. Luckily, she’s done with O-Levels so she’s always going out to do… nonsense.

 No elaboration required.

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I read an article on the internets a few days ago. A Chinese guy had a very “liberal” daughter, and he was fed up with not being able to control her and not being able to monitor her “intimate relationships”.

Guess what he did?

He bought 4 different dildos for her, and wrote a lengthy letter to her, detailing their usage. I guess his intention was to stop her from getting nailed, but my first impression was that he hid video cameras in her room to earn some cash from “live feed” websites.

Guess what she did in retaliation?

8====D + HD video

No elaboration required.

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Debacle.

The last time I updated was zonks ago. I don’t give a fuck, seriously. Nothing interesting happened, except that I picked up an iPhone.

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I am bored everyday. Somehow, it got into my head that school holidays will by default be filled with fun and joy and laughter and debauchery.

Meh.

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I can’t even think of what to type here.

Meh.

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By now, it is more or less confirmed that the Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers from the 90’s are making a comeback in 2010. The re-issued action figures are all over the interwebs but it doesn’t seem that I will be getting one anytime soon. As it is, in Singapore, Kamen Rider Kabuto is only wrapping up tomorrow. And then there will be badly-dubbed reruns.

SPARE ME, PLEASE.

Even TVB in Hong Kong, which is showing Kamen Rider Den-O, bothers to dub Cantonese properly. And they even got an arrangement of AAA DEN-O FORM’s Climax Jump in Cantonese. How cool is that?

Meh. Singapore’s entertainment scene SUCKS OLD WRINKLY BALLS.

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Tiger Woods has 10 women linked to him. So there, JP. Lion Leaves is a sex addict. SO THERE, JP. SO THERE.

Mobile press.

As I’m typing this, my mother’s raising a din with her new ocarina. What the hell is the proper sound for it? I don’t know, and I doubt that I will ever find out. Right now, my mother is sounding like a pig that is getting raped with a pineapple. She does not know how to handle the ocarina at all. I’m no expert, but the way she is holding it is completely different from the provided instructions. I wonder if I’m going to survive the night.

Small white balls.

So, I was at Orchid Country Club earlier. Playing golf. I can’t say that I really enjoyed it, but it was a new experience nonetheless. bleh bleh bleh blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blahblah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah

Black boxers.

I had math tuition today. This is a new one, my mother “fired” the previous one because the place was getting too crowded. This time, she got me a one-to-one session with a pleasant teacher called Ms Ho. Her teaching style helped me understand indices better than Desmond Soh ever could. The lesson was conducted at her house. However, she is still living with her family. Sounds normal. Right? RIGHT? RIGHT!?

Fuck you.

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At the beginning of the lesson, Ms Ho was alone at home, so there weren’t any obvious “anomalies”. 30 minutes in to the lesson, her dad came home.

Dripping wet.

Wearing a pair of black boxers.

That were wet.

Only in the front.

WHAT THE FUCK?

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 When I left the the house, I spent 15 minutes looking for a pool around the condominium compounds. All I found was a half empty bottle of Ice Mountain.

The mental image is disturbing, isn’t it?

Risen.

I promised updates, but none were given. In your face, then. Blog views jumped when I was “absent”, so this just proves the rising adulation that the general public has for me. HAHAHA

HA

HA

HA

ha

pant pant

wheeze

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My mother shocked me today. I damn near wet myself laughing. Usually, she surprises me by slipping mutated misshapen vegetables under my baked potato, but today’s surprise was slightly more distasteful.

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I went to Junction 8 today to catch 2012 with a group of friends. After the movie, my parents gave Jeremy a lift home. During the journey, Jeremy started talking about Kai Wen’s hair etc etc

After dropping him off, my mother started asking about Kai Wen. For some reason, the conversation turned towards taking showers. Out of the blue, she hit me with a line that I’ll be quoting for the rest of my life.

“Aiyaaaaahh, taking shower at home damn lao yah, machiam nokia pang jio on you.”

For those who don’t understand Singlish or dialect, the above sentence translates to

“My word! Taking a shower in my residence is simply unbearable! The water pressure is as weak as a toddler emptying his bladder!”

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And people wonder why my skin is yellow.